Remembering

I am sure I first came to Yoga seeking to get out of my head... and to stop thinking about the worries in my life. That is, at first I went there to forget... I am learning to step onto the mat to remember my true self -- the brightness that shines from within and is always there waiting to be remembered. Instead of forgetting or blocking out anxiety, I know that am here to remember and welcome what is light and good. I walk into a Yoga class with things to do and not enough time. And I walk out of that same class transformed, awakened, unveiled -- knowing that whatever need be, will be.

Sensing Destiny

Do you ever sense destiny? I do. For me it is a feeling that everything that has happened to me before this moment has lead me specifically to this moment. It becomes so obvious to me in that moment how the pieces of my life fit together into a unified whole. It provides me with a knowledge that everything up until that point has been part of a much needed preparation for the task at hand.

Do you believe in synchronicity? I do. Is there coincidence? Of course. But that is just one way of looking at things. Millions and billions of events happen in our lives and any statistician of merit can tell you that lots of things are bound to appear connected when in fact these events are just the random play of large numbers. That is right, go pick your favorite lottery number and play it billions of times, it is bound to come up, and on that day you can say it was coincidence. Or take a thousand trips and on one of them you are bound to bump into a long lost friend, a next door neighbor, a cousin, or classmate. Well, maybe you just bumped into your destiny. That is, what do you do with the information. Yes, billions of events are happening to us all of the time. Which day? Where were you that day? What do you make of it? What do we do with the new thought that jumps into our head? Where do we decide to go next? When we are in synch with the Universe (One Verse), history (His Story) happens. When we are ready to hear our call, we are ready to answer that call. Infinities of events happen and there are thus infinite calls to action.

Do you believe the future is predestined? I don't. I don't see destiny and predestination as one. I have a choice I need to make in each moment. Do I write this next word? Do I follow that next thought? Do I accept Grace into my life? I am destined to do so, but it is not predestined when it will happen. It can happen at any time. It can happen at every time. And when I am ready to sense my destiny, it will happen.

I have experienced a lot of new sensations and feelings in this past week. As I listened to Michelle speak this week, I heard how life can be like a pendulum that has a natural swing but will settle in on a channel. That it is destined to do so, and that once it does, we become tuned into that channel -- drawn in by it, like a tractor beam. She spoke of how when we tune into that channel we begin to act in harmony with the Greater Power that guides us. That is, our growth continues, but the growth becomes harmonious. She also spoke about how the world we exist within has finally reached a time of integrity. And that each of us who are on a spiritual pilgrimage are helping by creating this integrity to balance out the ill-effects of people who do not live in harmony with the Universe.

Do I believe in synchronicity? Yes, of course. What did I pick up and read yesterday? I don't know why, but I reached for a pile of papers that contained something I printed on 8/1/2007 from the peacepilgrim.com website. She had said, "A few really dedicated people can offset the ill effects of masses of out-of-harmony people, so we who work for peace must not falter, we must continue to pray for peace and to act for peace in whatever way we can." She was not just talking of world peace. In fact, the first step towards world peace is inner peace.

Do I believe in destiny? Yes. I saw it this week as I was asked to participate by Rabbi Sigal in a Yoga Nidra exercise and I was reminded of Sigal's words to me that there is not a duality in life while we do perceive a duality. We perceive a separateness from each other and from God, but we are all God manifest. We are all a manifestation of a power greater than ourselves that is within us and everywhere else. So there are these two sides of the same face. Seeing them as two is natural, as we are the Infinite having taken physical form. But when we are ready we will realize that these aspects of us are not two, they are One. There is enough time to do what we need to do in the physical world. It is not unimportant. And there is enough time to connect with the spiritual path, and that too is not unimportant. And in the end the two paths will merge and there will no longer be a veil that causes us to see them as separate.

So my pendulum swings from the grand, and infinite and connected, and the intellect, and study, and prayer, meditation, yoga practice and hope. And then painfully it swings back to the mundane, the physical, the attached, the fear, dullness, boredom, apathy, lethargy, gluttony, ineptness, and inadequacy. So I thought that was my destiny to swing back and forth. That was until this week, when I found new hope in Michelle's words. She probably had said the following a dozen times before in the last few years while I practiced at her Yoga studio, Prasad. And if not Michelle's words, then surely I had heard it a 100 times before that. The words were that yes we are on a pendulum, but no, it won't stay that way. That there is a channel through which we pass and in each passing we tune in. And each time we tune in, we tune in for longer and longer periods. And as more and more of us tune in, the signal becomes stronger and the world comes into integrity, and that great and wonderful things will be happening in the near future as a result of our efforts to tune into this channel. Better yet, as we tune in, once we tune in, we will be drawn in.

And here is one more thought, this one divinely inspired through me. That I can study and study and that is good. But that is not an end. It just prepares me. It prepares me to act when I am needed. And I can think and think, but I will never think my way to the answers. The answers will just be given to me when I am ready to hear them call out to me. When you see a great athlete or dancer or painter or inventor or anyone who has added to the perfection, joy and beauty of the world do whatever it is that they do at their highest level -- you see that is it without thought or intellect. It is simply divinely inspired. It just emerges naturally. They merge with the Infinite and express that Greater Power. So rather than expecting to find the answers, I can just prepare myself to be ready for the answers to find me.

And for this too I am thankful

This was a tough week for us with Molly on Monday seriously, painfully, and thankfully not liklely permanently, injuring both feet... and for now being unable to walk... and thus being home bound.. and offering herself to our constant care 24x7... for at least two weeks and probably closer to four. A test, an opportunity, a present? Well I guess so. Certainly a chance to remain present and to expand my capacity to offer and receive unconditional love. And so for this too I am to find how to be thankful.

Only by finding a weak link can a chain be strengthened. So too with me. If I am never asked to lift somethng heavier than I thought I could lift, how will I learn which muscles need work? Only by revealing yet another place with room for infinite growth can expansion of my capacity to love take place. Only by being asked to find light in a situation that seems so dark, will I learn which parts of my heart and mind need to open up to new possibilities... a renewed sense of God's unconditional light and love.

As in the words of Morris West (from The Clowns of God)...

I know what are you thinking.
You need a sign.
What better one could I give
than to make this little one whole and new?
I could do it; but I will not.
I am the Lord and not a conjurer.
I gave this mite a gift I denied to all of you
ETERNAL INNOCENCE
To you she looks imperfect
but to me she is flawless,
like the bud that dies unopened,
or the fledglings
that fall from the nest to be devoured by ants.
She never offended me,
as all of you have done.
She never perverted the work of My Father hands.
She is necessary to you.
She will evoke the kindness that will prompt you to
gratitude for (your) own good fortune....more.....
she will remind you every day that I am who I am,
that My ways are not yours,
and the smallest dust mite whirled in darkest
space does not fall out of my hand.
I have chosen you.
you have not chosen me.
this little one is my sign to you.
TREASURE HER.

Eclipsed, Raining & Dark

Sunlight is occasionally blocked by the Moon, blanketed by clouds, or hidden by the daily spin of the Earth. But it is still there. It is always there, persistent and waiting. Occasionally our light is blocked from our consciousness by an unsual occurence that takes us by surprise. Often it is blanketed by the mundane grit that constitutes much of the time in our lives. And access to the light comes and goes in regular waves as the rhythym of our days and weeks grants to us time to work and time to reflect. But like the Sun, our light is always there, waiting for the impediments that we have created to pass, disperse and turn.

Packed Between "This and That", "Here and There"

This was inspired by a yoga instructor, Jen, who yesterday discussed finding room for creativity and the need to unpack the mind of cluttering thoughts -- to find that silent space in between thinking and feeling, from which something new can emerge. This made me think...

Sometimes things get packed in, where there is little room to move, and where the perspective is limited. It is often necessary for this to occur. For example, when we go on a trip, we take clothes from our closet and our toiletries and pack them into a bag. We neatly place our belongings into the suitcase, all folded, with anticipation of how they may be used and of what situations may arise. We hope that we will have brought the perfect item for each situation -- perhaps changes in weather or the need for something special to wear for a certain social setting. It could even be as mundane as, "Don't forget to floss your teeth..." In any event, we put our things into this container and away we go.

While on our way our things are patiently waiting in the luggage. There is nothing now for those things to do. There is nowhere for them to go. There is no room to move, shift, and there is no light with which they could observe their surroundings. There is only the sense of cashmere against denim, leather shows poking at the dinner jacket, sneakers filled with socks. The things have no idea where they are headed. We could be simply heading off on a two day business trip, or maybe to visit with family, or maybe it is one of those fun trips to some far off and exotic place. But as far as my belongings go, they don't know where the flow of life is taking them. They are simply packed in waiting for their next instruction.

Another example is, when we go to a theater, everyone takes a seat, and waits for the show to begin. Now we are the packed in item. Not sure what comes next. The lights dim. We anticipate the performance. A hush falls over the otherwise chatting crowd. There is little room to move. And if we were to move around a great deal, we would be disturbing the people around us. Our role in this setting is simply to be one of the things packed in. And to then observe the show from within the theater. Unlike the suitcase, the theater provides light, and from the light we see a show. But we still don't know how it will impact us, what insights it will provide, and who we will be when we emerge. But we know that we will experience this on an emotional level. We will empathize with this character or that. We will relate to the scenery or set. We will place ourselves in the story. But we certainly will have no control over the trip we are about to take in the theater. We are not the actors, only the audience for the acts. So for this brief time, while in transit, we are not in control. We are neither here nor there. We are not the actors, but we are not our usual selves either. We have stopped thinking, stopped our actions, we are just taking in the show and awaiting our next set of instructions.

And then there is our head. What Jen spoke of yesterday and for which I am thankful - thankful for the spark she gave to me. I know that I cram all sorts of things into my head: some of it useful for this occasion or that like a sweater for a cold night, some of it necessary like my dental floss, and some of it packed out of habit good or bad. And then there is that emotional side where I experience the movement of my perspective on life. When something brushes up against ideas that are packed into my head, ideas of who I am and what life should be, this gives rise to some reaction in the form of emotion. Sometimes I find myself often so packed up with information that there is little room for something new, and thus my emotional reaction can produce a significant swing in my mood. One little piece of information can interrupt my train of thought in such a way that produces loss in the desire to do something good for myself, like finishing what I was doing, or going to a Yoga class, for a run, meditating, or spending time engaged with others. How is that so? How does a small piece of information do that to me?

This is where what Jen said has its impact. There is a space in between the thought and the emotion. A choice I can make to be silent. I can step outside the container. I can stop thinking (and stop taking in more information) and I can choose not swing to an emotional response. I don't need not emote - "move out." The information in my head can wait, like the packed clothing. And I can just observe the story, as I would from the audience in a theater. I need not move; and the new information need not move me. Its time is not now. It will have its moment.

Reflections on my visit in Israel

I began to see Israel this time not from the eyes of a tourist, but to a small extent, through the eyes of those who live there and have made Israel their home. From our meeting with Yosi and Dina Haim, who invited us into their home for Shabbat dinner... to my conversations (in my broken Hebrew) with many cab drivers... to an afternoon exploring the Carmel market and old parts of Tel Aviv with Mira Korn... to lunch with Adam Griesman in lev shel Tel Aviv at the Ben Ami coffee shop... each of these experiences deepened and broadened my love of this land and my understanding of her contradictions.

I find this country to be one where the natural contradictions of life are played out more vividly. Where "yes" and "no" go on in a tension tighter than any place else I have encountered. Old and new of the cities intertwined, ancient and modern culture in contrast, Hebrew spoken as a native tongue and yet also for some reserved only for prayer, the frenetic pace at which every one lives - just watch out when you cross the street if you doubt this -- and yet it all comes to a stop on Shabbat only to burst forth again the next evening, the pulse of life so palpable, the colorful landscapes with every shade of cream and bronze and gold and purple and faded shades of green... and yet from up close it is just muted and dusty and gritty and dry and sand. Rich and poor is Tel Aviv with the beautiful shades of blue of the Mediterranean, lined with new high rise apartments and condominiums overlooking it, yet the city is often dirty and looks like a run down Miami beach.

People from all lands... who consider themselves to be returning home. And yet others who also wish to claim this land, as if they are the only refuges from this place that has known nothing but to cast those who lived there off to other places time and time again. To whom does such a place really belong? Perhaps only to the strong, to the righteous?

A home land. A place from where I am sure once my ancestors came and to which many have returned. A full circle? Or more like a hurricane, with Jerusalem at the eye of the storm, casting outward... all who enter inward.

A land so fragile and at risk. Where the water is as scarce as the patience. Yet a people strong and determined to make the best of their lot, to make life in a land promised long ago. A country divided left and right, yet united by the desire to remain.

Wave, Particle

I read Michelle's post from July 4 and it made me think, "Is the material world continuous and in flow, or is it a series of static states that are connected."

Like a movie, is life made up of frames, where we can observe each one if we choose? Is there a silence available to us in between each state? Even in a rushing and raging river? Even in the roar of the wind? Even in the dance of a flame? Are they continuous, leaving no room for stillness and silence within their movement?

In a movie, as it is played, we seem to see a continuous flow of movement and events. But in reality, our mind is simply filling in the gaps -- chattering away, interpreting, trying to make sense of what it has seen, and offering up its interpretation. But when we slow that movie down, when we bring it to a stop, we appreciate the trickery of our mind. That what we thought was non-stop and continuous was actually a series of freeze frame images, with a small gap or crease between each image. Our mind wants to believe that it is continuous, and tells us so... but it is not. In between each frame is an opportunity to be quiet and to observe that silence.

The movie is easy, but could I say the same for a river? It flows down toward the ocean. Perhaps it is the mighty Mississippi. Capable of discharging, as it did in August 1993, at a rate of 485 million gallons per minute or 1,080,000 cubic feet per second—a rate sufficient to fill Busch Stadium about every 65 seconds. But isn't that rush of water still only a series of frozen frames in time, observable each, each with a pause in between. Each frozen moment offering a built in opportunity to take a breath and just watch. I think so.

The question is not a new one. And the debate is not settled by science. Light has been observed to have dual qualities of wave and particle. "In physics and chemistry, wave–particle duality is the concept that all matter and energy exhibits both wave-like and particle-like properties. A central concept of quantum mechanics, duality addresses the inadequacy of classical concepts like "particle" and "wave" in fully describing the behaviour of small-scale objects. Various interpretations of quantum mechanics attempt to explain this ostensible paradox." (See Wikipedia for Wave–particle duality).

Perhaps our hearts are the continuity. Our soul, our observation, carries us between the frozen frames. The material world needs observers. Observe - watch over. Those who will keep things safe from above. We can remain out of the fray and revel in the gaps and folds of time standing still.

Another Friday Night is on the Way

Another week is coming to its conclusion, and I can sense the peace of Sabbath approaching. I am giddy with anticipation and I am feeling at peace. It is interesting when I can hold those two emotions togther, producing a settling, centering, and quieting affect. Thoughts turn to Friday night and then Saturday's rest from work, which produces good feelings that move me towards leading a better life.

The Sabbath and Yoga practice have a lot in common. And I would guess I am not the first person to discuss this. (Although this is the first time this has occurred to me.) The word "Shabbat" is built from the Hebrew root "שבת" (shin-bet-tov) which means "sit". And in Yoga, we practice "Asana" (आस) which comes from the Sanscrit word meaning "to sit down."

For me, both the practice of Asana and of Shabbat are paths to the same end. Each asks that we sit, quiet ourselves, and center ourselves. They allow us to take measure, observe, and be present. They prepare us and cause us to turn inwards to find what is divine within, and from there, we can shine back out and brighten the world around us. From this inner point of peace, we can engage ourselves in the material world and lift it up towards its source, helping the world reconnect with its original divinity, eternity, & infinity.

The Glass is half full, and I'm burning the candle at both ends, but my cup runneth over,

I am learning to see myself as a cup running over...

We can each imagine ourselves as a candle, a glass or cup? What fills us up, what make us bright, what causes us to bubble over with enthusiasm? And how do we avoid allowing our wellspring of inspiration to run dry? How do we burn bright without burning out? The candle burns from both ends might burn brighter, but at what cost. So the saying the candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long. But what if one could have all of that brightness for more than half of the time? For most of the time? Where would the endurance come from?

My father used to describe to me how he thought it was best to stay at 5-6 on a scale of 1-10. He thought it best not to get too high, nor too low on our success, failures, ourselves and our lives. He would say, "let it rain... and just stay under the umbrella." Call it denial, but he could weather most any storm by simply not engaging it. It is how he could be happy or satisfied having found something he was reasonably good at and to which he was willing to grind away in order to make it shine. I think he felt it was the best way to have enough endurance to stay at something long enough to make it work. His gold was always at the bottom of the barrel and he was willing to dig at it long enough to make it happen.

I on the other hand tended (still tend) to operate closer to a 1 or 10. I am often either fully engaged or unplugged. Not that I want to live that way, but it has/had become my nature, and something that I am working on improving. Maybe now I am better able to recognize sooner rather than later when I am headed for a 1... which usually happens right after I was striving for operating at 10. For Dad, living at a 5-6 was a solution to his problem. For me, being unplugged was the trough that followed each peak.

Where I might take a stick of dynamite to blow up an obstacle, his approach was more like using drops of water to work away at obstacles until they were diminished. I learned from him that most "problems" are not real, and will go away if you can just ignore them or leave them alone.

Rabbi Sigal Brier once told me, "You don't have to feel like you are drinking your well dry. Think rather of the Kiddish cup running over with wine. So much there that all you need to do is sip off the excess." I like that thought and I return to it often... hopefully before I reach a point where I feel depleted. And sometimes before I drink too much from my well...

For me, I am seeking to be a Kiddish cup, running over, always enough, always plenty, always more to sip at and to taste the joy that life can be... especially on Friday nights.

Deamons!

I can run & hide, but tire & run out of places to hide. I can stand and fight, but that tires too. So, I invite you in to be observed.

Thank You D!

Darren,

What a great class you offered to us last night. Thank you. Your words struck the very cord that I have been playing in the last two weeks.

From where does joy emerge? How do we seek it? Is seeking peace, tranquility, equanimity enough? And of course not... JOY must be sought!

And the story you told of 15 more years of suffering to grow to suffer some more to only realize that joy awaits... thank you again. It is not enough to suffer and grow for the sake of suffering more and growing more. And I know, the work need not be suffering... and even if it feels like suffering, I think it should only be the work of digging a tunnel through the mountian... making one's passage to the other side easier.

While digging, diamonds of joy emerge from time to time, and I appreciate your describing how they can be held, cherrished, & accumulated.

I had never thought of my world getting smaller when I hide. But you are right, it does. When negative feelings emerge, I thank you again for sharing that hiding from them (a defense mechanism that perhaps is effective in a short run) only makes my world smaller. Your insight... that they just find you where you hide, and in time there are fewer and fewer places to hide. The box gets smaller.

And thank you for letting me share with you how this insight of yours aligns with where I have been in the last two weeks. That I was tired of fighting my deamons and could not bear hiding in dwindling disconnected places that prevented me from being the person I want to be. The person I have the will to be. So as I come onto the mat, my deamons are invited to the practice at my side, where I can observe them rather than trying to tamp them down or hide from them. As it turns out they don't like Yoga as much as I do.

Anxiety, Stress, Pain

I have tired of fighting that fight. And I have tired of fleeing from it as well. I have stopped asking where they came from. They will reveal their source in time. And I will stop asking what they mean, as they are only reactive sensations and not something to which meaning can be ascribed.

When I feel the pangs of anxiety or stress, the ones that cause the prana to surge in my arms and legs, stomach, and head, I am not going to fight them. That just produces thoughts about future scenarioes, most of which will never exist. I know that I am not more prepared for the future by having dwelt upon it.

I am not going to withdraw and ignore these feelings, as they will only return stronger. And, besides, where would I go to hide when I ignore these feelings. That only leads to a withdrawal from life. It leads to a disconnection that holds no yoga with spirit, family, friends, self, and loved ones.

Rather, I am just going to accept these feelings as they arise and thereby render them powerless. They will simply be my companion and I will silently seek them out and observe them.

Hidden Within

How much joy goes undiscovered? What capacties do we have that could take us by surprise, if we would only let them? Deep within each of us are talents and capabilities just waiting to burst forth. We are all incredible and have talents placed within us at birth that are seeds sitting frozen in our heart, waiting only for awakening in our spring, needing only warmth and sunlight to burst forth and produce flowers and fruits.

Last week Susan Boyle had her moment. Imagine a talent like that being unrewarded for decades... until she was 48. She began to sing at 12, but the world was not ready for her until April 11, 2009, when her talent was revealed on a TV talent show (Britain's Got Talent 2009 Episode 1 - Saturday 11th April). That was her Spring. A long winter she waited for that moment to burst forth with her inner brightness.

It makes me wonder what joy is inside each of us, undiscovered.

Mine, Yours?

You say something is "yours" but really, is it? What does that mean? Whatever it means, it means not yours truly fixed in space and time. We can understand this on many levels -- that "mine" and "yours" are both perceptions in a place and time, and not absolute. Because everything is always moving and changing, no thing is constant, and thus all that can be ours is in an instant only a concept and not a thing in the first place.

Complete and Incomplete

How can one understand complete without knowing incomplete. Perfect without imperfect. Only by withdrawing from completeness could God create our incomplete and imperfect world. And only by being incomplete can we endeavor to know the completeness and perfection of God. If we were complete, then we would not be at all. God already knew perfection. Infinity knows only completeness. He created us in the material world so that he could tollerate and experience our imperfection and know even more his own perfection.

Challenge and Posture

Difficult circumstances or people in our lives are like difficult or challenging postures on the Yoga mat. Some postures are both diffucult to embrance and hard in which to find ease. Yet these postures add texture and depth to our practice, and they prepare us to take on the challenges that life offers. They prepare us to take on even greater challenges, those that we all eventually face. By standing on the edge on the mat we learn that can handle being on the edge in life. From the edge we can see what lies beyond. Informed, we can imagine moving beyond where we currently rest. We also learn that we don't have to face these challenges alone, or better said, that we never do face them alone. There is always grace to support us.

The Conveyor Belt

I imagine God watching us working on the conveyor belt of life. Here we are, people at work were trying keep up, as if there were a finite number items on the line.

But what if the belt was a figure 8, and every item we moved off of the line and put onto the other belt was just being returned to us later. Or what if there is in infinite supply?

Pretty funny?! Think about it.

We often worry about limits of the finite, but perhaps we are actually operating in the exception, not the rule. I think we are in the eddy of the stream.

On Creation

The below is explained by Rebbe Nachman in Likutey Moharan #64:1 (based on the Etz Chaim by the Arizal). It describes how a contraction (tzimtzum) from the infinite (Ein Sof, without end) light of God, blessed be his name, is the source of the creation of our world.

I think this is consistent with the theory of the "Big Bang." Consider, for a moment, that there is Ein Sof. That is, I am suggesting that the fundamental nature of the universe is infinite energy. God is infinite. Endless. Without end. Pure light, energy. And even if you don't have faith that this is God, then simply accept for the momemnt that the fundamental nature of the Universe is infinite energy, and call that what you want. But fundamentally, there is energy that is all one, alone, compeltely conected, and infinite in power and endless in light and heat.

Now, consider what would happen if this endless infinite light were to contract away from itself, leaving a void. Perhaps leaving a portion of its infiniteness behind in the center of that void. A portion of energy equal to the energy contained in the world that we know.

As the infinite contracted away from the finite energy left behind, perhaps what then occured was the Big Bang, as the gravity and pull of the infinite away from what was finitely left behind caused the finite to rapidly expand out towards the infinite. And as that occurred, the light became strings of matter, and eventually these gathered into atoms and created space, and created time, that make up our physical world.

Wouldn't this explain why the Universe that we see is expanding outward? Because it is returning to the infinite. It is returning to Him.